


Actions Speak

by TheArtOfWar



Series: Speechless [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Depression, Domestic Violence, Established Relationship, Graphic past, Kidnapping, Levi in glasses, M/M, Masturbation, Mentions of Rape, Mute!Eren, Night Terrors, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Sign Language, Slight Eruren, Suicide Attempt, Switching, Top and Bottom Eren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-28
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-02-19 04:19:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2374268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheArtOfWar/pseuds/TheArtOfWar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One shots from Eren's point of view from <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1810396/chapters/3885151">Louder Than Words</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Past

**Author's Note:**

> These are just going to be one shots from random places in the story. They probably won't be in order, but I'll put which chapter in LTW they parallel in the beginning notes. 
> 
> This chapter parallels with Chapter 3 in LTW.

I never had an issue with talking to people. Communication always came really easily to me. Sometimes, way to easily, especially when I exchanged heated words with Jean.

But, the guy in my French class, Levi, always seemed to make me speechless. Not in the 'Oh-my-god-he's-so-hot-I-can't-even-speak' either. I mean, he was hot. Like, really, really hot. But it was more due to the fact that anytime I tried to talk to him, he stared at me like I was an idiot and would barely say anything. It was really kind of unsettling and off-putting.

I had only tried to talk to him a few times, and I felt stupid each time. I could tell I was annoying him, but I think it was safe to say I had a crush on the guy, so I kept trying to talk to him. Of course, the thought came across my mind that everyone hated freshmen. Hell, freshmen hated freshmen, so me bothering him probably looked like a bad case of hero worship.

I sighed, looking down at my French notes, waiting for the teacher to enter the classroom. This course was an easy grade; I had known the basics of French since I was thirteen, my mother helping me every step of the way. Still, I had room to grow.

I nearly yelped when someone plopped their arm around my shoulders. I didn't know anybody in this class and I was ninety nine percent sure that the one person I tried to speak with wouldn't do something like this unless he was going to murder me.

I looked up at the person to see a girl with wild brown hair, amber eyes that were covered with glasses, and a manic smile on her face.

“Uh...hi,” I said, knowing that I was the master of eloquence.

“Well, aren't you adorable. I'm Hanji,” she introduced.

I knew who she was. It wasn't a very large class, so everyone knew everyone else's name. Hanji seemed to be close friends with Levi and the hot blond, Erwin. More than once, my mind had wandered to lewd thoughts about one, or both of them, much to my embarrassment. Then again, I was a fourteen-year-old boy. Pretty much any thing made me horny.

“Eren,” I told her, “Why are you...?”

“Talking to you?” she finished and I nodded, “Well, I just figured that having some cool upperclassmen to study with might boost your reputation.”

I was lost.

“What?” I asked, thoroughly confused.

“Oh, right. I got ahead of myself,” she said, “I suppose I should ask you first if you wanted to join our study group. Hell knows that Hitch and her groupies won't give you the time of day, so I thought you could join us! Let's see, there's Erwin, Levi, Petra, Auruo, Erd, and Gunter. We always have a great time and you seem like a cool kid. I mean, anybody who can just approach Levi and start talking to him randomly has some balls.”

I looked over to where Levi usually sat, but he hadn't shown up yet. I didn't think that it took any sort of courage to talk to him. Well, maybe a little, especially since I had a crush on him and I didn't even know if he was gay or not. He hung around Erwin a lot, who was gay, but that girl, Petra, seemed to hang off every word he said and he didn't seem to mind.

But, it wasn't really nerve that made me talk to him. He just seemed...well, I wasn't sure what it was, but I was drawn to him.

“I don't have balls,” I blurted and Hanji gave me a strange look before I groaned, “That came out wrong.”

She threw her head back and cackled.

“Join the club,” she said, still laughing and I rolled my eyes.

“I just meant, that he doesn't seem like a terrifying person,” I said.

She sobered up at looked at me.

“Hmm. Well, you're right. He's really not that bad,” was all she said before she asked, “So, what do you think?”

I considered. It wouldn't be terrible to make new friends and they all seemed pretty interesting.

“Sure,” I told her, “When and where?”

* * *

 

I almost backed out. Mostly because my heart beat a little faster at the thought of seeing Levi outside of class and the possibility that we might become friends excited me.

I groaned. Maybe this was more than just a small crush. But after only a couple weeks of school and talking to the guy a handful of times, I didn't know how much of a crush I had.

I walked into the library and saw the group at a table on the far side. They looked like they were enjoying themselves. Well, except for Levi, who looked pissed.

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

“You guys are dicks,” I heard him snap as I came within hearing range.

Erwin spoke next, “Yup, and we all want yours.”

The rest of the group dissolved into laughter and Levi looked as if he was going to give them a few choice words before his eyes rose and saw me approaching.

Hanji was the next to spot me and she grinned widely.

“Uh, hey, Hanji,” I greeted her awkwardly, aware of everyone's eyes on me.

“Eren! Hey!” she said enthusiastically, patting the seat next to her, “Come on, sit! Guys, this is Eren, as you already know. These beautiful idiots are Erwin, Gunter, Auruo, Petra, Erd, and Levi. Levi says you've been acquainted before.”

I was honestly surprised Levi said something about me. I had always thought that I was no more than a pesky fly that he wanted to wave away.

“He mentioned me?” I blurted before I could stop myself, “Anytime I've talked to him, he's seemed annoyed by me.”

Erwin piped up.

“That's because he thinks-”

“That you _are_ annoying,” Levi finished, sending his blond friend a glare.

Ouch. Well, that fucking hurt. I mean, I guess I knew it, but it was something entirely different to hear it from his mouth.

“Oh,” I said, trying and failing not to let my disappointment show.

“Don't worry. Levi thinks all of us are annoying but he still hangs out with us,” Hanji says sympathetically, “So now, you're already one of us.”

That didn't really make me feel better, but I grinned at her anyway, sitting down.

“So, Eren,” Erwin said, leaning forward on the table, “What makes you want to hang out with a bunch of sophomores after school. Surely you have other friends.”

I looked over at him and while my mind was screaming that a very attractive, known gay, single male was talking to me, I managed to form a coherent response.

“Well, I do,” I replied, running my hand absently through my hair, something I only did when I was nervous, “But I thought it would be fun to join you guys. Especially since none of my other friends are in the same class. Hanji invited me and you guys seemed like an interesting group of people to get to know.”

I looked over at Levi quickly, him being the main reason I wanted to be here, but I quickly trained my attention back to Erwin.

Another boy, Auruo, coughed and said, “You aren't so bad, I guess.”

I watched as Levi raised his eyebrows and Petra elbowed Auruo in the ribs before she turned to the rest of us and smiled.

“Well, maybe we should get to studying,” she said, “Mr. Zackly gave us quite a bit to do so the sooner we get it done, the better.”

We all agreed and got to work on our homework. I had honestly thought it was going to be awkward studying with them, but they made me feel like part of their group without even trying and it was a nice feeling.

I did wish that I was sitting next to Levi, but I knew that might be a little too obsessive. His words were bothering me though. He thought I was annoying, but Hanji had been quick to dismiss that. I didn't want him to think that, so maybe an apology was at hand. Crush or not, I didn't want him to feel like I was bothering him.

Or, maybe I was just hoping that by me not being annoying would give me better chances to be something more than friends.

When we finished up, I stalled in putting my stuff away, wanting to talk to Levi alone. I don't know if his friends sensed this or what, but they cleared off pretty quickly.

Levi seemed to have a resting bitch face, but he seemed a little irritated.

I decided to ask before I lost my nerve.

“Do you really find me annoying?” I asked, insecurity dripping off of every word.

He sighed and swung his backpack onto his shoulder.

“Did it really bother you that much?” he asked and I was about to respond that it did before he continued, “Fucking hell. No, you aren't  _ _that__  annoying. Keep asking me shit like this though, and I might change my opinion.”

He looked up at me and I grinned, ecstatic that he seemed alright with me. I was starting to figure out that him being aloof with everything was just how he seemed and that things didn't annoy him nearly as much as he let on.

He walked away and I finished putting my things away before I chased after him.

“Hanji was right,” I blurted, “You aren't really all that bad.”

“Good to know I'm talked about,” he snapped, “But you don't have to keep talking to me now.”

“What if I want to talk to you?” I asked, a little amazed that I had said that.

He stopped and glared at me at the entrance of the library.

“What the fuck do you want from me? I didn't see you bothering any of the other group members like this,” he said.

Maybe I did have balls, because without them, I don't think I would have ever said what came next.

“That's because I didn't want to take any of the group members out.”

To my credit, I said it without stuttering or looking like an idiot. Levi's eyes widened a bit and I could see shock in his eyes. I was a little shocked myself. I had just asked him out and I was internally panicking.

Levi regained his composure and sighed.

“Look, Bright Eyes, you're nice and all, but I'm straight and happen to have someone I'm interested in.”

Fuck. Fucking fuck shit cock bitch fuck. Of fucking course he was straight and he liked someone. Damn it all to hell. If he was straight and liked someone, my money was on Petra. They had seemed really close during the group study.

I managed to collect myself and give him a sheepish smile

“Wow, I'm sorry,” I apologized sincerely, “It's Petra right? I guess I should have figured, but I make it a point to never assume anything.”

“You assumed I was gay,” he told me, raising his eyebrows.

“Not really. I counted on the fact that if you were straight, you would tell me, which you did,” I countered.

“That's still assuming that I would tell you anything,” he said boredly.

That was true. He didn't really owe me any explanation. But he still gave me one and I smiled at that.

“Yeah, I suppose I did,” I admitted, “Oh, well. I guess I still assume things. But Petra, huh? She's pretty cute.”

I was hurt and kind of wanted to go crawl in a hole and die after being rejected, but I knew that wasn't going to make my crush go away. I could still settle for being his friend. Granted, I really wanted to kiss him right now, but being friends was better than nothing.

He kept staring at me and I wasn't sure what to make of his gaze.

I ran my hand through my hair and asked, “What?”

“That's it? You aren't going to try and convince me to go out with you and that I'm not really straight?” he asked in a hard tone. I could see that he was suspicious of me. I guess it seemed like I had taken the rejection too easily, but what he didn't know was that I would probably be eating a gallon of ice cream tonight while watching The Nanny reruns.

I shrugged.

“Why would I? You already said you're straight,” I told him“It would be like Hanji trying to convince me to go out with her. I think you were assuming that I am a dick who won't take no for an answer.”

My mind went back to earlier today when she had her arm around me and it didn't feel like anything but camaraderie.

He snorted and said, “You wouldn't want to date Hanji even  _ _if__  she was a guy.”

“You never know,” I said, smiling because he was interacting with me more normally now, “She's a bit...high strung, but I bet there is someone who can settle her down.”

He rolled his eyes and started walking towards the exit. I followed him and decided to keep talking like the idiot I was.

“But seriously,” I told him, “I think Petra likes you. You should ask her out. I think she would say yes.”

“Who the fuck asked you?” he asked irritably, “And don't you have better things to do besides follow me to my car?”

“Just trying to make conversation,” I admitted before something else caught my attention, “But I'm walking, so not really. You have a license? Aren't you only fifteen?”  
But fuck, I just noticed it was pouring outside and I hadn't even brought an umbrella.

“I'm only walking to the bus stop,” I said, more to myself than to him, “It's only a couple blocks away.”

He looked at me before groaning and I gazed at him in puzzlement.

“I don't have a license, just a permit,” he finally answered, “My mom is probably waiting for me. I'll drive your sorry ass home that way you save on bus fare.”

“No, it's-” I tried to protest, but he interrupted me

“Shut the fuck up and let me do my annual good deed.”

I repressed a smile but did as he said. It wasn't until we reached the exit of the school that he said anything.

“And hey, if you still want dick, Erwin kept checking out your ass,” he told me and I couldn't stop the blush that spread across my face.

Erwin, huh? I was severely disappointed about Levi, but crushes passed, right? And Erwin wasn't bad looking and if what Levi said was true, Erwin was interested in me. Maybe it wouldn't be a horrible thing to see if he wanted to go out sometime.

Looking back, I probably should have figured that getting Levi out of my system wasn't going to be that easy.

 


	2. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter parallels chapter 48

I gave him the letter and fuck me if I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I cried while writing it, threw up once, and had two panic attacks, but I want, no, I _need_ Levi to know.

However, now, I can't sleep and I'm pacing. I make sure that I don't wake my roommate up, a guy named Flegel that I don't really pay much attention to him. He seems really nervous during group therapy and I think he is in here for a suicide attempt, just like me. At least I don't have to room with the guy that pees on his roommate's bed every night.

I don't even know if Levi will read the letter right away. I know if the roles were reversed, I probably would have read the letter in that garden with no self-control. Levi, however, is smarter than me and would know to wait and get himself sufficiently emotionally ready.

The room is dark, but not as dark as it used to be. The first night here when they called for lights out, there was no source of light in the room at all and it took the rest of the night for me to calm down. Fortunately, Flegel said he didn't mind leaving a small lamp on if it helped. That guy was a good guy, despite his fucking weird name and his habit to ask to see his dad even though his dad was dead.

I sit on the edge of the bed and put my face into my hands, shaking. Flashes of memories appear unbidden in my mind and they choke me. I can't breath suddenly, knowing that I just made myself completely vulnerable. But Levi wouldn't leave me, right? Not after all the shit that he had gone through just to stay with me.

But still, I was breathing through a straw and I thought about the coach, as hard as I tried not to. I thought about the room, my friends, their deaths...

Fuck it, I really couldn't  _breath_ . 

I knew what was happening and normally, I would just take some medicine for this, but all of it was taken away due to my attempt. Fuck, I can't even get the shit I need and its in the middle of the fucking night. I can't even cry out for help either because of that fucking bastard.

I close my eyes and I suddenly feel way to weak to continue holding myself up and I slump onto the bed. I hear the music faintly in my head but I'm not paying attention. I'm shaking and gasping for air, feeling myself shake.

And the stupid thing is, I know I'm safe here. The bastard is dead and I can't change anything about the past. I'm overreacting about this and it makes me feel like shit that I'm having an attack now of all times. I keep trying to tell myself to calm down, but it's not working. Fuck, I hate this.

Someone touches my shoulder and my eyes snap open to see that the light is on and there is a nurse crouching in front of me and Flegel is standing by the door. I realize now that I probably wasn't as quiet as I thought I had been with my fucking attack and he had probably gone to get help. It wouldn't be the first time.

Somehow, I'm coaxed back into bed and the nurse assures me that I can sleep a bit later today. The nurse is a nice woman named Frida and she seems vaguely familiar. She reminds me of Krista with her kindness.

I don't sleep. Flegel gives me a wary look before going back to bed and Frida stays with me until I calm down, but I don't sleep.

The sun comes up and I pull the covers over my head, wondering why I'm always taking one step forward and two steps back.

It isn't until a little bit later that I'm told I have a visitor.

I'm not ready to see Levi yet at all. I wanted to refuse. But if Levi had read the letter and wanted to see me, then I know I should face this head on.

“I told him you weren't feeling well and said that he should probably come back, but he insisted that I at least ask you to come out. He says it's important,” Frida tells me and I nod, signing to her that I would be out in a minute.

I don't think she could read sign language, but she understood that when I pulled back the covers, I was coming.

“I'll tell him that you'll be right out then,” she said as she left the room, closing the door behind her.

I really felt like shit. I always feel like shit after an attack, but for some reason, this was worse. I felt as if I could sleep the next ten years and be completely fine with it.

I changed clothes and trudged out to the visitor's area. I was surprised that instead of seeing Levi, I saw Erwin instead. He spotted me immediately and smiled as I came over to him.

“You look terrible,” he said in greeting.

I want to tell him that it was completely unnecessary to tell me this because I feel terrible, so I know I probably already look it.

“Between you and Levi, I'm not sure who had a worse night,” Erwin continues.

Erwin doesn't know sign language as well as Levi so I just wait for him to explain.

“Levi called me last night drunk,” Erwin tells me and I'm surprised. Levi has the highest alcohol tolerance that I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure that I've seen him drink a whole bottle of tequila once and it didn't even faze him.

Erwin gauges my reaction and continues, “I saw the letter. Didn't read it, but I saw it. He was in really bad shape.”

So Levi  _did_ end up reading the letter. I can't tell if I feel relieved or terrified, but suddenly, I want to ask questions.

I hold up a finger, motioning Erwin to wait as I go to get a notebook and a pen before returning.

_He read it?_ I write, just as a confirmation.

Erwin nods.

_Thank you for being there for him_ .

Erwin looks off to the side and for the first time I've met him, he looks...uneasy. No, that isn't the right word. He looks tired, worn-down, and unsure. I've never thought I would see the day when Erwin Smith would doubt himself.

“I knew it was him, Eren,” he says quietly after a moment.

I shake my head, confused. Were we still talking about Levi?

_I don't understand._

He looks at the notebook but doesn't look at me and sighs.

“I knew it was your coach. At first it was just suspicion, but his alibi checked out according to the police. It wasn't until he tried to take Levi that I was positive, but I couldn't do anything. I'm not used to that,” Erwin admitted, “I tipped off the police but they had received several false reports against teachers from disgruntled students. They figured I must have been one of them and said they had already checked his alibi and he had taken a DNA test. There wasn't enough evidence for a warrant. There was a more sympathetic detective that took me seriously and even went to his house, but when she took a look around, she couldn't find anything.”

Erwin...had known. He had known that A.T. was a fucking murderer walking around free and he hadn't done a thing about it.

I stand up quickly, nearly knocking my chair backwards and glaring at him, hands clenched. He looks up at me, his face set seriously. I want to throttle him, punch him, wipe that mask right off of him and make sure he knows that if he had fucking _done something_ , not everyone would be dead. This was Erwin's fault, all his fucking _fault_ for not...not...

For not what? I think it through. He had his suspicions and acted on them but nobody listened to him. This wasn't a world that he could have just taken justice into his own hands. He had tried. He had told. I couldn't expect him to react the same way Levi probably would have. He was...more logical than Levi. Erwin would

A thought was brewing in my mind, but I didn't reply to Erwin.

“I'm sorry,” he says steadily, “I kept a careful watch on him and I think he knew it. That's why he didn't do anything because he knew I would catch him. I...didn't know what else to do. If I had told Levi, you know he would have done something stupid trying to get to you and so would have Hanji.”

I sat down, trying to think. After a moment, I wrote, _So did you tell Mike?_

He looks at me for a moment, as if trying to decide my mood before he nodded.

“Mike and I...did some of our own investigating,” Erwin says, looking me evenly in the eyes.

I turn my eyes away from him, not able to be so accepting that he had _known._ I am angry, but the frustrating thing is that it's not even his fault.

I reach down and fiddle with my Ipod for a moment, changing the song to one without words before I sigh.

We don't say anything for a while and I feel my anger seeping away to be replaced with my previous exhaustion.

“I also came here to tell you something else,” Erwin says, breaking the silence, “Something to admit, that is.”

I look at him questioningly.

“I wasn't going to ever say anything, but you of all people deserve to know. Levi brought something up last night in his drunken haze and it got me to thinking,” Erwin tells me, “I trust you with information.”

I can sense the seriousness in his voice and I watch him intently. He meets my gaze evenly and suck in a breath.

“That...man didn't commit suicide,” he says lowly and I have to strain to hear him over the music in my ears. I can understand why he is being quieter, not wanting anyone to overhear him, “He was taken care of, Eren. He suffered before he died. Know that.”

I stare at him, feeling as if the whole building is collapsing around me as the full meaning of his words hit me. 

It horrifies me that the first emotion I feel is relief but then...

I'm scared. I'm terrified of Erwin. I look at him and see the same face I always have. My previous ex-whatever he was and the best friend to my boyfriend. He's the same as he's always been but he had killed someone. He had made that person suffer. It scared me because I would have never thought he would do something like that but then I didn't ever think that my coach would have done what he did. 

I'm shaking, I can feel it and then I see the concern in Erwin's eyes.

“Eren-”

I stand suddenly, again and stare at him. 

I wanted that man dead, but the fact that it was Erwin...but then I remember that I had wanted to do the same exact thing to him. I wanted him dead and I wanted him to feel the fear I had felt. That all of us had felt.

I grabbed the notebook and pen off the table but I don't sit down.

_ Erwin...I'm glad. But, I can't see you right now. I just can't. I'm sorry but I just need some time to think. But, you did something that I wanted to do so badly and I'm glad, but also really scared of you. _

Erwin read over the words and nodded.

“I understand,” he said quietly, “You deserved to know. But, Eren?”

I look him, waiting for him to continue.

“Levi really loves you. I don't think that will love anybody as much as he loves you,” he says strongly, “And I had never seen him look as broken as he was when you disappeared. Not until recently.”

He stands and I don't have to ask what this 'recently' meant. Not until I had decided to try and off myself.

“Eren, I know what you have been through was...horrible. But I beg you, I can't see Levi be that torn apart again.”

He doesn't say anything else, simply nods and smiles as he leaves and I stare after him. He's right, of course, but being here and recovering has made me realize that I shouldn't live for Levi, but for myself. I love him, of course, but I need to start thinking of what I should do. Use my past to decide my future.

I rubbed my hand over my face and thought about my conversation with Erwin. There are so many emotions swirling in me. Emotions about Levi, about Erwin, about Marco, Mina, Thomas...

“Eren?” I hear a voice say and I turn to see Frida standing there.

“Are you alright?” she asks.

It takes me a moment to answer, because I haven't been alright in a long time.

I nod, not because I'm not alright now, but I'm going to get there. 

This was my time to re-chart my life and I would do it with Levi at my side because my life was going to be a lot of things but one thing it  _ wasn't _ going to be is easy, but I was damn well going to make it worth it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter isn't as strong as I would want it to be, but I thought it would be a necessary scene to show between Erwin and Eren. Happy New Year regardless!


	3. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place between Chapter 9 and Chapter 11 of LTW. No Levi in this one, sorry, but I thought it was cute.

"Eren, you've known him since middle school. There is literally no reason for you to be nervous," Mikasa said blandly from her seat across from meat the kitchen table after I sighed for the umpteenth time.

"I'm not nervous," I defended, raising my head from the table to look at her, but I could tell she didn't believe me, "I'm just...ugh. I don't know. I have this weird feeling and I don't like it."

To be fair, I had been sighing all day and trying to figure out why I felt so...off about this whole date thing with Marco. It wasn't like he was a bad person. Infuriatingly the opposite actually.

"Do you really think Jean is okay with me going out with his ex?" I asked her.

She fixed me with a severe look before she sighed, "Eren, I'm pretty sure that if I can live with the fact that my brother took away with my boyfriend's virginity, Jean can live with the fact that his best friend, who he never slept with, is going out with you."

"But they did date," I pointed out.

"For a month, Eren," she told me, "And they both decided that they were better off friends. Do you really want me to call up Jean and have him say that he's totally okay with it?  _Again_?"

I stayed silent, knowing that asking Jean wasn't really going to ease my mind either way.

"Plus, I don't think that is what is really on your mind anyway," Mikasa mumbled. 

My attention went fully on her and I asked, "What?"

"Nevermind," she waved me off, but I knew exactly what she meant.

Levi.

I hadn't talked to him for two weeks since he had decided that he wanted to get weird about who I went out with. I didn't understand why he was so agitated and angry.

At first, I was upset because of what he had said. He knew that the way things ended with Erwin and I weren't as pleasant as I would have liked. I mean, I was happy for the peanut butter obsessed blond guy, but that still didn't mean that it didn't hurt when he dropped...whatever we had going on so easily. Him and Mike seemed happy though.

But still, Levi was a total dick for bringing that up. And he didn't have any room to talk either. He was dating Petra and they had been friends for years.

But after a while, I stopped being pissed and sent him some texts, but he didn't respond. Then I noticed that he was avoiding me at all costs and that pissed me off all over again. I couldn't help but wonder what the fuck I did and how to get him to talk to me again.

Then I got pissed off by being so worried about it. Obviously it was him just being a dick. 

But I still couldn't get it off my mind.

"Marco's here!" my mom called from the living room and knowing her, she had been watching through the window to see when he got here.

I stood up and straightened out my outfit of black skinny jeans and a dark green flannel shirt.

"You look fine," Mikasa said, standing and the statement was kind of ruined by her straightening out my collar.

The doorbell rang and that was my cue to go open it. I sucked in a deep breath and started towards the door but my mom beat me to it.

"Marco, come on in!" she said happily and I reached the hallway to see that her and my dad were already standing there.

"Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Jaeger," he said politely, nodding to them before his eyes found me and he added a shy, "Hey, Eren. You look great."

"You too," I said, looking at him looking slightly nicer in his nice jeans with a tucked in button up. I honestly don't think how nice he looked with the sleeves rolled up either.

"It's nice to see you again, Marco," my dad said, "It's been a while."

"Nice to see you too," Marco greeted with a sunny smile.

See, the thing about Marco is that when he was younger, he had leukemia which caused him to miss a lot of school for about two years. I didn't really know him then, but my dad saw him a lot at the hospital. Fortunately for everyone, Marco made a full recover and was cancer free for about seven years. But because he missed so much school, he got held back a grade. Even though he was in the same grade as me, he was the same age as Levi.

Fuck, now I was thinking about him again.

"Oh, I need to get a picture of you two!" my mother said excitedly.

"Please, Mom, let's not," I said embarrassedly.

"Shush, I need to get a picture of you going on your first date," she said sternly and I realized that while I had been with other people, and thank fuck my mom didn't know about that, this was my first official date.

"Plus," she added, "Marco doesn't mind, do you, Marco?"

"No, Ma'am," he replied and I swear I saw his eyes flash with the opportunity to embarrass me.

"Not you too," I groaned, but then I was pushed towards Marco by Mikasa.

We situated ourselves a bit awkwardly, Marco's hand resting on the small of my back while I ended up doing the same, not sure what else to do as my mom took quite a few pictures. I was about to break her camera before she announced she was done.

I knew my parents were going to say more embarrassing things, but I didn't give them a chance, grabbing Marco's hand and pulling him out of the house, shouting behind me, "Alright, I'll be back by ten-thirty! Love you guys! See you later!"

I didn't hear what my parents said but Marco chuckled. I spotted his car and let go of his hand, walking over to the passenger side of the car. Before I could open the door, however, Marco was there, opening it for me.

"You know my parents are still watching, don't you?" I teased and he laughed again.

"I hardly think that I really need to make a good impression anymore, Eren," he said as I slid into the car. He closed the door carefully before he went over to the driver's side and got in.

"Oh, so you know that every parent views you as an angel," I said as he started the car.

"Seatbelt," he reminded me before continuing, "And I don't know if that's true."

"Don't be so modest. You're like the perfect guy," I said and looked over at him, noticing that he was blushing slightly.

"I wouldn't know about that..." he said awkwardly before he put the car into reverse, "I could be a serial killer for all you know."

"It's always the nice ones..." I trailed off before saying, "So what's the plan?"

Marco chuckled.

"Well, do you want to eat now, or later?" he asked.

I thought about it for a moment before I said, "We can eat later. I'm not hugely hungry right now. Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise."

"That's not fair!" I complained.

"You'll like it, I promise," Marco assured me.

Turns out, I did like it. We ended up going ice skating. I had never been really good at it, but fortunately I had Marco to hold onto. He seemed to have a lot better balance than me.

When I fell for the dozenth time and Marco graciously helped me up, mirth in his eyes, I muttered, "Shut up. I may not be able to ice skate but I can speak a bunch of languages."

"I'm thinking that a sense of balance might be a little beneficial to your well being," he teased as he pulled me up. I grabbed onto his bicep to steady myself before I looked up at him.

"Say what you want, but I could lose my legs, but as long as I'd have my voice to speak with, I'd be happy," I huffed and Marco chuckled.

I realized then just how close we were to each other and how tightly we were holding onto each other. It wasn't the first time that Marco had helped my sorry ass off the ice, but it was the first time that we were practically embracing.

"Eren," he said quietly, "Would it...be okay if I kissed you right now?"

I drew in a breath through my nose. I wasn't completely against it, but the idea of public displays of affection did make me a bit uncomfortable. The fact that he wanted to kiss me meant a whole lot more than him actually kissing me.

He seemed sense my hesitance and started to pull away, saying, "We don't have to if you don't want to."

"No!" I practically shouted and Marco jumped so I repeated softer, "No. You...you can kiss me."

He searched my eyes for some hesitance and I knew he would find it there so I closed them, waiting for him to close the gap.

His lips felt soft on mine and it definitely wasn't horrible. But I couldn't focus on just him and I felt like I could feel people looking at us. 

Then, unbidden, Levi came to my mind. I wondered what it would be like kissing him. What would it be like holding him in my arms as we shared a romantic moment.

I realized then that the reason that the whole reason that Levi ignoring me bothered me so much was because I was completely into him. I don't know if there ever a time that I hadn't been since I met him. But I had stuffed the feelings, knowing that he was straight and had a girlfriend. Either way, there was no denying that I wished it was Levi that I was kissing, not the freckled boy with the personality of a saint.

I pulled away abruptly and Marco snapped his eyes open. I tried unwittingly to take a step backwards, but forgot I was in skates and once more slipped and fell, this time tripping Marco up and he came down with me.

He managed to catch himself before he landed completely on top of me and we stared at each other before he cracked a grin and laughed.

"Nothing for you, huh?" he asked and I suddenly felt incredibly relieved.

"I'm sorry, Marco," I apologized, "It's just that... _fuck_."

"It's just that you're into Levi," he said and I stared up at him trying to read some sign of anger or sadness but I couldn't find any.

"That's not-"

"I kind of already knew before I asked you out, Eren," Marco admitted, looking sheepish, "You're a cute guy, and I wouldn't mind going steady, but I know that you like Levi a lot. For the past couple of weeks you've done nothing but talk about how he's been ignoring you."

"Fuck, I must have sounded annoying," I muttered.

"A little," Marco said honestly, "But I get it. Like I said, I already knew when I asked you out."

"Then why did you ask me out if you knew?" I asked.

Marco looked pensive for a moment before answering, "I guess I wanted to give it a shot. Like I said, you're a cute guy. I wanted to try before I gave up and Jean said you were interested."

I wasn't sure whether to thank Jean, or kill him at that particular moment, but my nature went with kill.

"It's just that...you're great, Marco," I told him, "You're really nice and attentive and caring. You'd be the perfect boyfriend."

"But not the perfect boyfriend for you," he said and I didn't argue with him.

We were silent for a second before someone skated past us and shouted, "Get a room!"

A switch flipped and we both realized that we were still tangled up on the ice, Marco bracing himself above me. Red-faced, he maneuvered off of me and stood before pulling me up again.

"So..." I began awkwardly and feeling a bit guilty, "What now?"

He half smiled.

"How about we finish our date and have a good time before I take you home and we end it in mutual agreement that it wouldn't work out?" he suggested, "I still have dinner and a movie planned. We can just hang out."

"That sounds...really good," I told him before I ran my hand through my hair, "Fuck, I'm really sorry about this Marco. I didn't mean to lead you on."

"Eren, seriously, don't worry about it," he assured as he smiled and I'm pretty sure that this guy was an actual deity, "Maybe we can figure out how to get Levi talking to you again."

He turned to skate a little but then looked back at me, "Besides, I might like someone else too."


	4. Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place in Chapter 32 while the crew is on vacation.

Levi tries. 

I mean, everyone else tries too, but they are somewhat required too. Mom, Dad, and Mikasa are my family. Armin is like my brother and we were practically raised together. Jean is dating Mikasa. So, yeah, they are somewhat required to try.

But fuck, Levi isn't. But he tries anyway. Because he loves me, which is a fact that both excites me and scares me. Because after all I've been through and all the things I've seen, I want nothing more than to leave everyone behind, but with Levi, that's a lot harder than originally thought.

I think I still love him too. I mean, it's hard not to when I see just how much he loves me and how hard he tries for me. He brought all of us to Belize to make me happy. And I am. But...

My "Calming Songs" playlist is playing in my ears and Levi's arm is wrapped around me. I can feel his even breaths on my neck. I'm safe here in his arms but I still can't sleep. I've never been able to sleep well with someone touching me, not even Armin or Mikasa whenever we would pile in the living room for sleepovers when we were kids.

But I didn't drape his arm over me for me. I want Levi have that comfort. I want him to feel happy with me in these last days.

I still can't bring myself to say what I'm going to do when this trip ends. I think that I'm scared of going through with it, but the exhaustion of living outweighs my fear by far. I've faced fear before and the fear of ceasing to exist is nothing compared to that.

I'm sure Levi is sleeping now so I gently lift his arm off of me before I scoot away from him. Normally, I would just fall asleep, but I need some air. I get up, making sure that I don't wake Levi before I quietly tiptoe out of the room.

I adjust the music before I sigh, going down the stairs. I can't help but think about how it will affect everyone after I'm gone. They will be sad, I know it, but they will be able to live on, won't they? Mikasa has Jean now and Armin has Annie. They will be fine.

But Levi...Levi loves me too much and it hurts, knowing that I'm going to be leaving with him having all this love for me. 

It's selfish, I know, but I can't live with all these memories, all the nightmares, the sickness that comes with everything, the way I can still feel that place clinging to me, the images of my friends dying in front of me. That monster's face always haunts me, no matter what I do or where I go. My fear of silence and the ugly scar on my neck are costant reminders of what happened to me. Everyday, I have to live with the consequences of being too trusting and stupid. 

And that's the thing. I'm the only one who got to live when really, I should have died with everyone else. I wish I had died with everyone else. I wouldn't have to live with this incredible guilt because I know that everyone else was so much more deserving of living than I was. I won't lie and say that Marco's death was the one I regretted most. I was the closest to him and I knew that he was too good of a person to die, especially in a place like he did.

So really, I was just evening the score by dying.

I open the door and go outside, heading towards the end of the dock. Mendelssohn plays in my ears as I view the peaceful night, looking out across the water and basking in the warm air.

I sit down at the edge of the dock and dip my feet in the water before I lay back on the dock, closing my eyes and just breathing. We only have a couple more days before we head back to the States. It's been a good week and I've been happy with Levi. I've been happy with my sister and my best friend and their respective partners. I think that I deserve some happiness before everything ends.

I feel him coming before I see him, the wood of the dock vibrating as he walked. He stops, standing above me and I'm sure that it is Levi standing there, but when I open my eyes, I see Armin instead.

He doesn't say anything and I can't say anything so we just sit here and stare at each other before he lays down beside me, sticking his own feet in the water.

He doesn't say anything for a while and I'm grateful for it. There had been a time where I had wanted nothing more than to fill the silence with my own voice, but that felt like eons ago.

"Do you know the first thing I did when I heard you went missing?" Armin asks, breaking the peace of the night.

I don't answer, I  _can't_ answer. I don't want to be bothered lifting my hands to sign either, so I just lay there, waiting for him to continue.

And he does.

"I prayed," he admits.

This shocks me because Armin is the least religious person I know. While I don't necessarily believe in anything, Armin vehemently denies the existence of any greater power.

"I prayed to whoever would listen as we tried to find you that night," he tells me, "And I prayed every night after that. I hated God because what asshole would let all this shit happen and do jack shit about it, but I still prayed that maybe, just maybe, everyone would come back to us."

He breathes more a couple moments before he continues, "I guess that's human nature though. When things go to pot, we subconsciously seek out a higher power in hopes that that elusive force will make an appearance and make everything better."

I look over at him, but he is still staring upwards. He chuckles bitterly.

"I suppose that I'm just as pathetic as the people I used to think were idiots for praying to nobody. Because I prayed to that nobody too. As much as it hurts my pride to say so, I prayed that you would come back. And you did. And that's the funny part, because I only ever asked for you and that's who we got. You were my miracle.

"Maybe, because God's an asshole, he heard me and decided that he was going to listen to one skeptic praying and not save anyone else. If that's the case, he's a douche bag with a superiority complex. But if he exists, I can't help but be a grateful that he did bring you back, no matter how much more he could have done or how he could have prevented the whole thing from the beginning."

There was never a time that I thought I would hear Armin confessing to believe in a god. It was a weird feeling for me, knowing that he only did because I came back. I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't. He probably would have just continued to believe in the lack of a supreme entity. That's what I believed because I knew the truth. The only reason I survived was because the coach decided that he wanted me to live. There was no god but there was the devil and it lived in people like A.T.

"I don't think I've ever seen Mikasa cry, but there was this one day we were in class together and she burst into tears," Armin says, "She couldn't stop crying. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen and she didn't want to be touched but she couldn't move and she just kept crying and wailing. I've never heard her sound like that. Grisha had to come to the school and he literally carried her to his car and took her home. She missed an entire week of school after that."

"Your dad didn't go to work for a month and just sat in your room. Your mom cooked all the time and it was always the same thing: lasagna with green beans."

My favorite meal. 

I knew why he was telling me this and I knew that he had figured out what I was thinking. Probably had a long time ago. I cursed Armin's intelligence.

"I don't think Levi realized it, but he didn't talk until he almost graduated. Erwin told me that. They would hang out, but Levi wouldn't pay attention really. Jean came into your room once and just smoked a whole crap load of weed alone. Annie, Berth-"

I finally put my hand over his mouth, not wanting to hear anymore. I don' want to hear him guilt me into staying. I don't want to hear about how everyone missed me.

He still and when I'm sure that he is going to stay quiet I remove my hand. Armin, thankfully, stays quiet.

He catches my arm before I can bring it back to my body and puts it underneath his head, pressing closer to me.

"Just...don't. Eren, we all need you too much," he whispers.

I don't reply for a moment before I breathe, "I need you guys too."

"And we're here for you. Even Jean," he says and I huff a laugh, but I know it's true. Fuck, he even learned sign language so he could still talk to me.

"Even Jean," I breathe out, agreeing.

"But especially Levi," Armin added, "Someday, he's going to ask you to marry him, I just know it. Even if you aren't technically together right now, you two still act like a couple, even if you aren't physical or anything like that. I'm kind of jealous of how much you guys rely on each other."

I know he's right and the thought of spending the rest of my life with Levi is very appealing. For the first time in a long time, I picture my life in the future. Married to Levi, adopting a couple kids, being genuinely happy everyday because I'm with people I love. Traveling because Levi is rich enough too. Getting my GED and figuring out a new dream. Maybe...

Just maybe...that would be a life I want. Something not to give up on.

We lay there for a long time and Armin falls asleep first, after talking about a school, Annie, music he'd think I like. I try to move away so I can fall asleep too, but find that if I do, I would effectively fall off the dock. I know Armin did that on purpose.

I almost fall asleep when I feel someone else walking on the dock and shortly after, placing a blanket over the two of us and I know that Levi had been making sure the two of us were okay this entire time.

Because Levi tries and I don't think he will ever stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is honestly one of the most disjointed chapters I've ever written holy shit. I'm so sorry.


	5. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter that it is evident that I didn't put much effort into. Blah.
> 
> Takes place after they've started dating but before they have sex. Hoorah!

When Levi didn't reply to my usual 'Good Morning' text, I didn't worry about it too much. Sometimes that happened and I figured I would just see him at school anyway. But when he didn't meet me at my locker as he usually did before the homeroom bell rang, I started to worry a little. I sent him another text that went unread. It wasn't until I saw Hanji and Erwin walking down the hall without my boyfriend that I got my answer.

"Hey, Hanji," I called out and she looked around before her eyes landed on me.

"Eren!" she waved as I came over to her.

"Hello, Eren," Erwin greeted warmly, but less enthusiastically than Hanji.

"Hey guys," I said before I asked, "Where's Levi? He hasn't texted me at all today and I haven't seen him yet."

Erwin and Hanji glanced at each other before Erwin answered.

"We aren't sure either. We were going to go over to his house after school to see if he's okay. It's one thin not to text us, but if he didn't text you...that's a bit worrisome. You are more than welcome to come along if you like."

I did want to go, but I also had practice after school. Then again, skipping one practice wouldn't be so bad. If there was ever a reason to, I considered Levi a good one.

"Sure!" I responded just as the warning bell rang, "I'll talk to guys later!"

They both nodded as I started to walk away, even more worried about Levi than before.

* * *

Hanji rang the doorbell for the third time with no answer before Erwin reached underneath a random rock beside the doorstep and retrieved a key.

"I didn't know that was there!" Hanji exclaimed.

"Levi probably meant for it to be that way," Erwin said steadily and Hanji pouted.

The door opened and I squeezed my way between the two of them to enter first. I did remember to take off my shoes before I left the entryway. 

"Levi?" I called out tentatively and when I heard nothing, I turned to Hanji and Erwin, "I'm going to see if he's in his room."

I didn't wait for them to respond before I almost sprinted up the stairs and down the hall to Levi's room. I stopped at his room before I opened the door quietly and looked inside the room.

"Levi?"

There was a lump on the bed with what must have been at least eight blankets on it. The room was stuffy and quiet. It was still for a moment before the lump moved and groaned.

"You know," the lump said in a rough voice, "When people don't answer doors, it usually doesn't mean 'Come in anyway'."

I sighed, relieved but then got pissed the next second.

"What the hell, Levi?" I said as I stepped further into his room, "You didn't text or call to say you weren't coming to school or-"

"Holy shit, Eren, shut  _up_ ," he growled and I would have snapped back if he hadn't sat up suddenly and leaned over on the opposite side of the bed and promptly vomited into what I was assuming was a bucket.

Oh. _Oh._

"Levi, you poor baby!" Hanji's voice came from behind me and I jumped, not expecting her to be there.

Levi probably would have said something sarcastic to her if he wasn't currently throwing up.

I went over to his bed and sat down on it before I laid my hand on his back and rubbed. I tried to breathe through my mouth so I wouldn't smell puke and end up puking myself.

When Levi was done, he reached for a glass on his bedside table and went to drink out of it but found it was empty.

"I'll get you some more water," Erwin said as he plucked the glass out of Levi's hand and left the room.

Levi muttered something and let himself collapse on the bed, his face in his pillow. 

Hanji, surprisingly, seemed to notice that Levi just needed some peace and quietly took the bucket and left the room, presumably to clean it out.

"Where's your mom?" I asked, thinking that she would have been home if she knew Levi was this sick.

"Work," he answered, "I told her it was just a cold. She didn't need to miss work for me."

When he was better, I would be sure to yell at him for being stupidly selfless.

"Why didn't you tell on of us you were sick?" 

"Because you guys would have started babying me. Kind of like you are now."

I sighed and before he could protest, I gently turned him over and put his head into my lap while he groaned, his eyes squinting shut.

"I'm gonna get you sick," he mumbled.

"Nah, you aren't. I have a strong immune system," I told him as I started carding my hands through his hair, "Have you eaten anything today?"

Levi didn't answer except for a long, tired sigh.

I shook my head and vowed that I would get him some chicken soup or crackers a little later along with some medicine.

It turned out I didn't have to worry about that because Hanji brought back a clean bucket and medicine while Erwin had found some broth when he went to get water. Levi didn't eat much of it, but drank all of the water. When Hanji took his temperature, he of course had a fever, but claimed he was freezing. He also complained that he felt sweaty and gross but didn't want to get out of bed to actually get a shower or bath. He threw up one more time while Hanji and Erwin were there and Hanji once more cleaned out the bucket.

He eventually fell asleep on my lap and his best friends decided it would be best to leave.

"He's in good hands," Erwin smiled before he left, "And tell him that we will collect his homework for him.

Levi slept well until it was dusk and it wasn't until his mother came home that he woke up with a start.

"Eren?" he asked confusedly.

"I'm here," I assured him.

"I don't feel good," he said, and I knew he would hate it if I ever said so, but he was being completely adorable.

"I know," I cooed, stroking his hair.

"Don't...patronize me," he grumbled, but it didn't really hold any venom.

Levi's door opened and I saw Levi's mom peek her head in.

"Oh! Eren, I didn't expect you to be here," she said before noticing Levi, "How are you feeling?"

Levi moaned in way of answering and immediately she was fussing over him.

"Have you eaten? Did you take your temperature? Have you thrown up? Where does it hurt? Should we take you to the hospital? You should probably go to the hospital."

She kept going, feeling Levi's head and noticing the puke bucket beside the bed. She scolded Levi lightly, saying that he should have told her that he was feeling this bad and he looked up at me, begging me for help.

"Uh, Mrs...Levi's mom," I said, still not sure what to call her, "Hanji and Erwin were over earlier too and we made sure he ate and got some water. He also got some medicine too. We've been taking good care of him."

"I don't need people to take care of me," Levi sighed but we ignored him.

"That is so nice of you guys," she smiled, "But I'm going to make him some of my grandmothers special soup which is a sure fire way to get rid of whatever he has."

She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead before she smiled at the two of us and left the room.

The room was silent for a couple moments before Levi reached up and brushed his hand against mine before I took it.

"Love you," he said a little deliriously.

"Love you too," I answered before I kissed him on the forehead as well.

"And Eren?" 

"Yeah?"

"Please don't let her make me eat that nasty soup she's making. I might actually die if I do."

I laughed out loud to his statement but his eyebrows furrowed and I could tell he wasn't amused in the least.

* * *

Three days later, Levi made a full recovery. He might have been a little more pissed that I actually made him eat his mother's soup, but he got his revenge when he brought some over to my house after I had gotten sick with what he had. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be cuter but hey, I'm a shitty writer sometimes. Sue me.

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, you guys! Can't say how often I'll update it, but I couldn't just leave this AU. I still track the tag 'fic: ltw' but now, I'll start tracking the tag 'fic: as' as well. 
> 
> I can't believe I'm still getting support for LTW. You guys are the greatest!


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